Someone Needs Their Coffee

Anyone else excited about the recent Gears of War 2 trailer? Yeah? Quite right! That makes you, me and almost everyone else on god's green earth...

...Except this odd fellow. In the recent issue of the American PC Gamer, one of their crack team of 'experts' had this to say about the newly unleashed footage:

1) The helicopters still suck. Locusts, despite living underground, seem to have no problem dealing with the COG's air units, and in the trailer, you can see more of the COG helicopters make pretty fireworks in the sky. The COG can build satellites that can fry a single mutant but they can only make helicopters made of Popsicle sticks? No wonder they're losing to guys armed with bows and arrows.

2) Marcus Fenix still sucks. He's got John Travolta's voice, Bender from Futurama's voice, and a backstory that makes Rambo look like high art. We can only assume that the "Cole Train" returns, too, ensuring more time with two of the most unoriginal characters in gaming history. Maybe they'll be joined by a gender-bending Japanese sidekick with crazy hair!

3) The length of the game still sucks. Although, at 5 minutes, it virtually doubles the length of its predecessor!

4) The 360 exclusivity still sucks. I didn't happen to catch a release date for the PC version anywhere in the video, but I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of a message on one of the rigs. If you squint a certain way, you can vaguely see a line of text written on a wall between two soldiers. It says, "Suck it, PC fans."

5) The fact that we can't hope for it to suck still sucks. We can't even root against it - if GOW2 is a rousing success, it's more likely that the game will be ported to the PC. No one ports games months later to another platform if they suck. Unless they're Sonic games, of course.

6) Cliff Bleszinski's faux hawk still sucks. David Beckham from 2002 called, Cliffy. He wants his hair back.

Right, sorry, back up a second mate...Now I am no Gears of War fanboy, In fact, I think the original, while fun, is nothing more than a high-quality action title, bringing very little to the table in terms of innovation or genre-definition.

But, was he seriously watching the same trailer as me? This smacks of 'net forum trash talk and the attempt of a hacked-off PC user to make an omelete by cracking a few eggs. Worse still, does this guy actually get paid for writing this? Where do I apply?

In all seriousness, this article is an example of personal opinion run amok. It is completely void of balanced opinion and journalese. It ignores all the universally accepted, unwritten rules of journalism and I'm surprised the magazine even ran with this piece of biased, uneducated nonsense.

Again I'm no GoW fanboy, but to berate a game on a 5-minute trailer then take digs at the developer is immature, unprofessional and paints a bad image for the magazine.

Let's look at the positive aspects of the footage:

1) The colour palette has been upped significantly from the drab tones of the first title. Note the lush forest setting and COG base dotting the skyline, it's almost like a scene out of Return of the Jedi..no sign of Ewoks though :/

2) The sheer scale of the Locust army swarming across the fields is excellent and really gives the impression of an unstoppable foe, lets hope there are some large-scale battles thrown in there.

3) The whole 'human' shield thing is simple, but effective, a neat move.

4) The graphical improvement! - digging it! :D

5) Brumaks make a return after their brief cameo in the first game, lets hope we get to tackle a few of these monstrosities

I could go on, but I think everyone will agree that this guy is totally out of line.

Much love,

Dave

Gentlemen...welcome to PAL country

Raise your hands if you've ever traced back your family tree.

I imagine it must be pretty interesting, finding your roots and such. I think it's quite a curious thing, but either A) Cannot be arsed or B) Something good was on the telly.

But now I think I have the perfect incentive to do it, I honestly think I have.

Rock Band comes out on the 22nd after much delay and 'localisation' (Read: adding a few Oasis and Blur tracks - thanks guys!) at the criminal price of £150. Please note that this price is for the peripheral-only 'band in a box' pack and you must purchase the game on top of this for a further £45 quid.

Fuck, the fuck off please EA!!

That is highway robbery and it seems unfair that the US gamers get to play the game for $150 all-inclusive (that's around about £115) and we get the piss taken out of us.

Now...back to the family tree.

I wonder if at some point in my family's history, there was a moment where if I stopped one of my relatives 'doing the do', through whatever means necessary, it would fuck up the world's timeline enough that I was actually born as an American or better yet, a Japanese bloke, they always seem to get first dibs on everything game-like and reap the rewards of cheaper prices.

Someone get me a Delorean and some plutonium please!

Roads? where I'm going I don't need roads!

Much love,

Dave

Speed...it's a hell of a drug

I'm talking about speed in terms of velocity here by the way. We all like to go fast due to the sense of sheer adrenaline it can create. It makes us grip the edge of our seats, bite our nails and pushes our sensory reactions to absolute limit. In terms of game design, speed can be the nucleus of a game's design.

Just look at the exemplary Wipeout2097 - a game based around pure, unfettered speed set beside thumping techno music. Back in '97 this was a true onslaught on the senses and defined speed in games. Then of course, Burnout 3: Takedown (this video is the shit!) came along and showed us how it was really done, especially one of the Asian levels, with the short stretch of jungle (you know the one I mean, it's perfect for cheeky 'rumble in the jungle' takedowns). That one straight alone is testament to the game's sense of speed.

However, have you ever read a description of a racing game where it boasted 'incredible speeds of up to 200mph'. This may be splitting hairs but personally, I love fast games and the following is simply food for thought.

Recently, I received a promo copy of Speed Racer on Wii, with the box blurb boasting, no not speeds of 200mph (that's too slow), no not 300mph (c'mon slowpoke!) but 400mph! (OMFG!!1) After playing the game however, it's admittedly much slower than Burnout 3 and doesn't deliver the same sense of speed.

Claiming that a game rockets along at 400mph is a classic case of padding - using buzz words and gimmick-speak to sell a weak game. To most players, it will feel exactly the same as a game that boasts 200mph speeds. Unless I'm propelled back into my seat and through the wall when I slam that turbo button, I wont be satisfied by claims of 400mph.

But once again, I love fast games and claims of breakneck speed usually get me interested, as long as they make good on their promises. We all know deep down that we wont actually be gunning it at these speeds but we still buy these games for their interpretation of how they may feel. Personally, Burnout Dominator, while not the best game in the series, conveys the best sense of speed in a racing game so far, chaining multiple boosts has to be seen to be believed!

So there you have it, speed the drug is bad (m'kay), speed the movie is a non-stop thrill ride and speed in gaming is a lie, but a bloody brilliant lie at that! :D

Much love,

Dave

Complete Euphoria

So the GTA IV addiction has set in already. After buying the game yesterday and rushing home to play it I have to agree with the other critics. This is a modern classic and raises the bar for where games will go here on in.

What I found most interesting is the new Euphoria engine. Early previews suggested players and NPC would react naturally to their environment, which we of the gaming press hear all the time. Yet in actual fact these system rarely make good on their promises.

However, this is the real deal, the shit, absolute miller time!!

I actually shouted "Oh My God!" when this happened:

I'm making Nico run towards the bustling waterfront area of Broker (the game's equivalent of Brooklyn) while exploring and getting to grips with the sheer scale of the city. As I start sprinting at full pelt I clip this unfortunate sod with my arm, he then stumbles back over his own feet and rolls down a flight of stairs, bouncing off each individual stair with realtime physics and the kitchen sink thrown in.

Absolutely magnificent.

Not to piss on Half-Life 2's parade (because I'm a huge fan), but if Valve's 'Source' engine was the first step towards accurate real-time physics in a game then this is the final word.

It works, it's fully-functional and makes the city seem more organic and believable, truly breathtaking.

Now, all I'm wondering is what the price tag was for developing this piece of software, I shudder to think. Money well spent mind you!

Much love,

Dave

How to kill someone and get away with it...

Holy christ, if this isn't proof that casual gaming has blown the market wide open then nothing is...

On my lunch break, I decided to buy Grand Theft Auto IV (you might have heard of it), because I'm getting fed up waiting for my promo copy. Okay so, I'm impatient, but when you go on Xbox Live and see your entire friends list playing it, you can't help but feel a little behind the times.

After buying the game I stood outside the store speaking to one of my friends and this old man walks up to us and asks:

"Is that the new Grand Theft Auto you've been buying"

"Yes"

"Be careful you don't go killing people!"

"I'll try not to"

Now - The result of media hype combined with that utter fuckwit Jack Thompson's rantings about how evil the game is or something else?

To be honest, as the cashier handed the game over the desk to me I could literally feel the murderous rage building up inside me. It's lucky this country doesn't condone guns or I would have killed several people by now.

Complete and utter morons...

To the rest of us who understand it's only a game (99.9% of the population) I'm going to go home after work, put my feet up and take my first steps in Liberty City.

Game on!

Much love,

Dave

Clarification!

Further to my post last week, it appears I jumped the gun a bit and got all excited for nothing.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl has been delayed again...

...*bangs head off brick wall*

June 23rd - make a diary note people, this is going to be huge!!

Much love,

Dave

Is Angelina Jolie aware of this?

I may have just received the oddest press release in a long while. I've summarised it below...

Try and take this all on board ok?

Major League Eating: The Game - To promote the release of this new Wii title, in which players have to gorge themselves on anything from pizzas to burgers, developer Mastiff gave away free $15 food gift certificates to anyone who entered a prize draw.

Right, fifteen notes towards a meal is a pretty good offer, nice dinner, bottle of wine with my girlfriend and some charming ambiance. That's not the issue. The issue is, of course, the premise of the game.

Aren't American kids becoming increasingly obese? But fuck it, lets make a sport out of it and they wont feel so bad, burn carbs while you absorb them, what a great message.

Not to mention the simulated waste of food. Think of all the starving kids out there who need that food more than you. Don't you have an ounce of sympathy? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt can't possibly adopt them all (try as they might) and they need to eat too right? You selfish bugger!

Just to clarify, I am being entirely sarcastic and probably dying on my arse here, but this sounds like a stupid, stuuuupid idea for a game, albeit in good humour, but sending out an equally stupid message.

I wonder if it'll see a PAL release? What then? News reports of Jamie Oliver sabotaging the delivery ships and planes with home-made Molotov cocktails made out of entirely organic and healthy ingredients? It could happen...

...maybe

Much Love,

Dave